Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas.  I didn't get to buy any presents for Lincoln this year and cried my way through wrapping gifts, as there wasn't one there to wrap for my baby boy.  I hate seeing his stocking hanging there, empty, and I HATE that Jezelle is like an only child again.  Getting Santa pictures taken just about killed me.  I literally wanted to throw a temper tantrum right there in the mall.  It broke my heart to see Jezelle sitting up on Santa's lap alone, like she's an only child.  Except she's not, her sibling is just NOT here.  No siblings to take turns with on Christmas morning or to share in the excitement with.  Needless to say this Christmas isn't like others.  We are just getting through it.  I didn't think it would be this hard.  I thought it would be like any other day; hard and we miss him and I think of him at least every minute.  But this is HARD and it physically  hurts so badly.  And yet, at the same time we must make it fun and exciting for our child who is still alive.  But she's feeling the sadness too.  I was reminded of this every time I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and in all seriousness, she would answer, "Lincoln".  Me too sweetheart.  Me too.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of pictures of Lincoln from last Christmas.  He was still asleep when Jezelle started unwrapping her presents and somehow the moment got away from me and I don't have hardly any pictures of Christmas morning.  It makes me really sad.  What else is new?!

 Here is Linc on Christmas morning last year, with his sissy and cousins.

And this is from the year before.  Sooo cute!

9 months

It's strange how time passes and the grief doesn't lessen.  And yet as you continue to live your life, you realize things that never occurred to you before.  Such as, many of my friend's who had children around the same time that Lincoln was born, will be turning 3 years old this year, and my child won't.  He'll just always be two.  And this holiday season it's easy to still find pictures of all the grandchildren to make gifts with, and yet in the future we won't ever have a picture of all the grandchildren to give to my parents because Lincoln won't be in them.  And how weird would it be to give my parents a picture of Jezelle at the age of 5, when she is now 15.  Maybe that doesn't even make sense.  The whole picture thing really bothers me.  I will eventually run out of pictures to use on this blog.  We only have so many pictures.  Time continues to just be such a strange concept when it comes to grief and the loss of a child.  This picture was taken last Christmas.  He looked so cute in his Christmas outfit.  My heart breaks each time I see clothes that I totally would have bought for him.

But on a lighter note this holiday season, we continue to count our blessings of joy.  Such as this little 6 year old who dances in the Target isles while Christmas shopping because why not?