(I often wish I kept a journal but I just don't these days. And so this sometimes is just going to have to be where I put down my thoughts.)
As strange and twisted as this may sound, I have always sort of enjoyed reading books, watching movies and now following blogs that are kind of sad and depressing. I know. Weird. When I was in high school I loved reading books about teenagers who were struggling with addictions, or illnesses, or about Special Education teachers who had intriguing yet very challenging students on their caseload. My mom would come into my room and I'd be crying, while reading a sad book. And now I love watching the show Intervention, and I'll admit, I kind of like following people's blogs that seem to have a more difficult life than me, or who are struggling with issues that seem worse than what I'm dealing with. There. I said it. However, through reading these blogs, watching sad movies and reading depressing books, I guess I kind of find myself grateful for my trials, my struggles and my situations. And although one may argue I have it worse than them right now, there seems to always be someone worse off than me, in my eyes. I guess that's why we have to always put our faith in God and realize that He is the one who knows what we can handle and what we cannot; and why we are all given such different trials throughout our lives. And sometimes that's a reminder that I need lately. I need a reminder that I'm not the only one with struggles and trials in life. And so I read people's blogs that seem more sad than mine. I know, strange.
I am definitely going through a grieving process right now, regarding Lincoln's developmental delays, and diagnosis. I am beginning to realize that this is not going away any time soon. There is not a quick fix and Lincoln will most likely have many years of therapy, and doctor appointments, and school team meetings. And somehow I got signed up as his 'case manager' for all of this, without my permission or acceptance. Yet through all of my anger and sadness right now, I try hard to see the blessing that have come from this trial, through our sweet, sweet boy. I try hard. Some days are better than others. Some days my life seems worse off than others. Some days I feel like this cannot be happening to ME. And yet it is, and it does. And so I try to recognize the blessings.
One huge blessing and strength to me in my husband. Throughout the past 8 months I have said to him numerous times, "I wish I could be more like you!" because through all of this, Shane is the one who has remained the rock. He is the one who has had the faith, who has been an incredible example of unconditional love and who feels it will all be ok. He is the one who continually reminds me that no matter what happens with Lincoln, or how he progresses that we will not love him any less. And so why should anything else matter?
People say the dumbest things sometimes, and although I realize it is done with ignorance and they mean well it can be so annoying. And that's when I feel the angry rise inside of me. An anger I have never felt before now. I have developed a serious temper as of late. And then there are those who I am continually surprised by, because their words, questions and advise are so very eloquently stated. And then I feel calm. And I hope I can be like them some day when I come across someone who is going through a difficult situation. I was talking to a dear friend of mine recently about Lincoln and she got tears in her eyes and said she just didn't know what to say or how to act. And I told her, just like that! And so I found the perfect advice on one of my "sad blogs":
"When you have the urge to speak, listen. When you feel like your job is to point out the good news, wait. When you have the need to wrap up our experience, please don’t. For real, loving care is the willingness to sit with someone and remain with them in their pain. To hear their fears and sorrow. To say with your actions, “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m sorry. And I am here.” '
Well said. Sometimes I want to scream when all I do is think about Lincoln and his development and I wonder why no one else is talking about it. But then, I kind of don't want to talk about it at all.
And then sometimes my anger comes from the fact that I can't seem to just accept this situation for what it is, and I wonder why not when others, like my dear husband, have. And I look at Shane and I wonder again why I can't be more like him. Why I can't seem to see the blessing every day, every hour, every minute. And I read upbeat blogs, to remind me of these blessing I have been given, about mothers who feel so privileged and lucky to have a child with disabilities and I wonder why I don't feel like them. I don't feel special or important and I certainly don't feel privileged or lucky. And then again Shane reminds me that they too have their bad days. They just might not blog about them (I'm not convinced). And he says it's ok to not always feel lucky to have the trials we've been given. And tells me everything will be ok. And I lean heavily on that. On him. And on his faith.
So with that said, and onto a brighter note- onto those blessing that I do like to remind myself of, this Lincoln kid is one little angel! He melts people's hearts where ever we go! At first I thought people were just being nice. But then I realized that his sweetness and peaceful demeanor is contagious and people just can't get enough of him. It can't even really be described in words but everyone who holds him can feel it. He really is an angel on earth. And people are drawn to him.
And what amazes me most about this little guy is that he knows way more than we all know!! And he is the one who has accepted this life and these trials. And, then I think to myself, "thank goodness he was born into our family, and not in a village in African, where he probably would have starved to death from lack of nutrition, and where he would NOT be getting the therapy that he needs." Thank goodness. And those are the moments where I feel lucky. And oh so blessed.
And I think his cousin Eli knows it too because holy cow, Eli adores him! They were for sure bestest friends in heaven, before coming here to earth. And that I do know for sure. And I do feel very lucky to know that. And to be Lincoln's mommy.
