Happy Birthday!! Happy Pinwheel Day!!!

Lincoln on his 1 year birthday

Today Lincoln would have been 4 years old. Which is so hard to believe. His birthday is bitter sweet to me.  We have amazingly thoughtful friends and family who help make this day so special each year, and yet at the same time I'd love to sleep the day away and pretend it's not happening. Each year we have decided that his birthday is "Pinwheel Day", where we do some act of service to honor Lincoln and "help other's heart spin!" I haven't yet had the strength or mental capacity to organize a brilliant service project but maybe one day I will. For now we make pinwheels and pass them out at the school and a park to make people smile. For now that's all I can do.  However, I am always overwhelmed by the love and support we feel from our friends and family who go the extra mile to help honor Lincoln on this special day.

Here are how some of our sweet family and friends honored Lincoln on his birthday:
- volunteered at a daycare for low income families, cleaning and playing with the children
- baked cookies to cheer someone up
- took pinwheels to class to share with teachers and students
- donated toys to a local children's hospital
- shared Lincoln's story with many

 Someone decorated our street again this year with pinwheels and left a sign in our yard.

 Jezelle wearing her pinwheel clip to school

 the kids at my clinic decorated pinwheels

 Jezelle and her cousin passed out pinwheels at the park.  It was extra windy that afternoon which was fun to watch all the kids run around with their pinwheels spinning!

 The Kindering Center lined the pathway with pinwheels.

 Lincoln's ice cream birthday cake.

 Amazing pinwheel cookies and cupcakes were sent to us!

On the afternoon of Lincoln's birthday we went and put pinwheels by his grave at the cemetery. Every time I go there I feel I'm having an out of body experience. I think I've said that before. It's like a terrible nightmare and at any second I am going to wake up and all this terribleness will be gone. Our daughter was in a silly mood- probably trying to lighten our moods a little and we couldn't get a pic if we had tried all day!! But it made me smile.  It's such a strange part of our life, going to the cemetery.  Our daughter will just grow up with memories of going there often, which is so weird to me, and yet she will think nothing of it.  I wouldn't say it's the most peaceful thing to do with a 7 year old but at least she helps keep the mood light.  And there is an etiquette to being there as well, which she is learning.  I realized this when I heard Shane say, "Don't step on the headstones!  It's disrespectful".  Oh dear.  Welcome to our life.  It's just so strange.  And sad.

Lincoln loved ice cream so we went and bought a delicious ice cream cake and celebrated his birthday with my family.  It was a nice day, where we felt so much love and support from others.  But I'm so glad it's over.

After that we went to get an ice cream cake from Cold Stone.

A dear friend of mine made this adorable movie that I LOVE!!!

2 Years

" If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died- you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift" - Elizabeth Edwards. 

Today it has been two years since we found our sweet baby boy in his crib, not breathing. It's been two years of learning to live with grief by my side, and learning what it is like to always feel as if I'm forgetting something when leaving the house. (Oh that's right, my son!). My arms and my heart often feel empty. And yet somehow we've continued to live; through loving and supportive friends and family, and a very merciful God. 

I've kind of been dreading this day for awhile now. And in reality it's actually not much differerent than every other day. I don't feel more sad today then I did yesterday.  And I haven't sat around and been extra sad just because it's the anniversary of my son's death. But yes, it does bother me that it's been two years since we said goodbye to our son, for tomorrow we will have lived longer without him than we did with him. And that is just not fair.  And it hurts a lot. 

And although we feel so blessed to have two precious babies on the way, and a healthy 7 year old daughter that keeps us on our toes, for today my heart is tender and I will take a moment to pause, reflect, and feel extra sad.  I could almost write a book of all the lessons I've learned within these past two years, how I see life through a different set of eyes, how I've grown into a stronger and more compassionate person and seen so many tender mercies given to our family from the Lord.  But all of those things do not go without saying that it's been hard in just as many ways. And I still miss my Lincoln every second of every day. 

I've said this many times before but I am forever grateful for all the amazing life lessons that my son taught me in his two short years on earth. He taught me more than I ever could have taught him. And for that I am eternally grateful. 

I think as time goes on people expect (or assume) that we have healed. That it's ok now, or that it should be ok. That since we see all the blessings that we've been given, by having Lincoln as part of our family, that all of that makes it better. And makes it ok. But it doesn't.  The grief is always there.  I can’t go around it. I can't go over it, or under it or avoid it. It's just next to me and present, and I must continue to live through it, again and again. The loss and the heartache continue.  But at the same time, I choose to live. I live for my daughter, and my husband and my unborn children. And for my friends and family who have walked down this dark path with me. And I choose to see happiness and joy in each and every day, which is another life lesson Lincoln taught me very early on. We love you Lincoln. To the moon and back.