Blogs

When we first discovered that Lincoln had special needs I scoured the internet, finding any and every blog I could find, written by a mother of a child with special needs.  I related to their perspective, their heart ache, and most of all their joy.  I often knew exactly how they were feeling and what they were going through.


I don't read those blogs very often anymore.  I feel sad that I don't have a child with special needs here on earth with me anymore.  I miss feeling what they feel, and doing what they get to do with their children.  I'm envious of all those mothers who get to raise their children with special needs.  I sounds crazy, but it's true.  What an incredible blessing and honor it is to be Lincoln's mother.  And oh how I miss taking him to therapy and doctor appointments.  


Though I often wonder what those families are up to, I can hardly bring myself to reading about their lives now, because they aren't like mine anymore.  I now have found an entire new set of blogs to read, written by mothers who have lost children around the same age as Lincoln.  Again, I take great comfort in knowing I'm not alone.  I'm not going crazy.  And although I never feel like I'm going to make it through another day, I somehow do.


And I relate.  I now unfortunately know exactly what it feels like to loose a child.  The following quote is taking from a blog I often read called A Daily Scoop:


"This pain now is like a headache. Sometimes it is in the background, dull and distracting. Other times it is throbbing and demands solitude. Then there are times it overcomes me like a migraine, making me physically ill and spontaneously producing tears and pleas for it to go away.  And yet, in the painful silence there still is a peace. In the sorrow there is a pervasive peace. How these two coexist, the peace and the pain, defies logic. They partner to dance gracefully across the stage of my life in this unwritten act. In the end, their dance will be the one I remember. I watch daily as this dance transforms me into a new being."


I read that one time recently and knew exactly how she felt.  She put into words just perfectly what I often feel on a daily basis.

The 4th of July

Every day is hard without Lincoln but on holidays, when we are all gathered together as family and spending time enjoying one another it's a continual reminder that we are missing someone.  We are missing our sweet Lincoln.  Yesterday was no exception.  And I find myself wondering if it will always be that way.  

And though we try our best to enjoy a fun day with family I am continually asking myself what would Lincoln be doing during each moment of the day.  During the parade I wondered whether Lincoln would have liked it or if he would have been scared of the loud noises.  Would he have laughed or cried when he saw the clown?  Who would be holding him?  Where would he be sitting?  During our family BBQ I thought a lot about what Lincoln would be doing at that very moment.  Would I be holding him or would Shane be?  When would we have fit in a nap that day?  What would he have eaten?  Would he have liked the watermelon?  Or the cake?  Would we have taken him to watch the fireworks at 10:00 pm?  No, definitely not.

Last year we were actually in Mexico on the 4th of July, so we didn't celebrate the 4th.  Or I guess we did- by eating delicious Mexican food!!!  I was looking forward to doing our normal family traditions this year with Lincoln.  Shane and I both agreed that he would have loved the parade.  And although I love the 4th of July and enjoy each little tradition we have, I'd trade all of it for one more day in Mexico with Lincoln.  One more hour.  One more minute.

I'm reading a book right now called Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson.  She has an incredible story of surviving a plane crash where 80% of her body was severely burned.  In one part of her book, as she's struggling to survive, she talks about how much she missed running and hiking.  She says she was struck by just how much she had taken for granted in her everyday life.  She says, "Was I grateful enough to have a body that could run before I lost it?  Did these hikers even comprehend the incredible freedom they enjoyed, how lucky they were to put one foot in front of the other?  . . . I'd been so innocently living my life, and though I'd made every effort to appreciate my many blessings, it struck me now just how much I had taken for granted."  I get that.  I relate.

Every time a mother complains on Facebook or in person about their child making a mess, waking up in the night, or throwing a temper tantrum I want to scream at them, "at least you have your children with you on earth!!!!"  It's unfortunate that we can't experience things in this life before we actually experience them.  It seems so unfortunate to me that we never know how much work it is to be a parent, until we are a parent.  We would appreciate and show so much more love and respect toward our parents, while growing up, if we even had one inkling of what it felt like to be a mother or a father.  We would appreciate our health and our bodies if we knew what it was like to be terminally ill or missing a limb; therefore not ever able to run or hike again.  We would complain less about our children waking up in the night, or burdening us with their simple requests all day long, if only we knew how much we would miss every single thing about them, before their died.  And now that I do know that I try very hard to not take my everyday life for grated.  I try to not be burdened or offended by silly things.  And I continue to try to find the blessings in my life, and see the tender mercies the Lord gives me each day.