Our last Easter with Lincoln
My testimony of the plan of salvation has significantly increased throughout the last two years since Lincoln died. I feel like before he passed away I felt grateful to know that my family would be together forever and that when we died we would still be able to be there in heaven together. But it was more of a distant goal- as we are taught- it's important to follow the gospel so that we all can live together forever. And now that lesson is much more real to me. It's my reality. My son has already left this earth and since he died before the age of 8 there is no question of where he will end up. He gets an automatic ticket to the celestial kingdom. He is already guaranteed that, it's a done deal! So what about me? Where does that leave me? Suddenly the importance of holding onto the iron rod is even more important. Its not a distant goal or something I should "get around to". I need to make sure that I'm living my life daily how my Heavenly Father wants me to so that I CAN live with my son again someday. It makes me realize all the more how I now need to do what I'm suppose to do. And not waste time. And not wait until tomorrow or the the next day.
I feel soooo blessed to know exactly where my son is right now and that he's most likely keeping busy being an amazing missionary on the other side. It's a huge comfort to know that if I do what I'm supposed to do that I WILL be with him again. I feel so lucky to have the knowledge that I do about the plan of salvation- to know where I came from and where I'm going. It doesn't lessen my pain and the grief I feel from missing my son. But I do feel peace and comfort that the Lord is in control and that he had a plan for each of us. And that was Lincoln's plan. I often feel it's unfair that Lincoln was taken so early from me. That his life was cut short and because of that I am suffering. I feel saddened that we won't be able to raise him and be the best parents possible to him. But that is what I wanted and maybe wasn't what was best for Lincoln and his plan.
I feel like when learning about the plan of salvation we hear so much about where we are going but here's a funny little story about the preexistence: two days after Lincoln passed away I went and met with our stake patriarch who happens to be our close friend and in our ward. I poured out my heart and soul to him about how it wasn't fair that Lincoln was taken so early and that I was angry and that wasn't a good plan and why did Heavenly Father do this. This sweet man gently reminded me that I don't remember or know what went on in the preexistence before coming to earth. He said "Joie who knows! Maybe the Lord said he would send you Lincoln but that he would only be with you for 3 months and you and Lincoln negotiated he could stay for 2 years!" I said "um no- I would have never agreed to that short of a time!!" :) ...but he's right- who knows! Maybe I did. Maybe that really was Lincoln's plan and he was willing to do that and then I too agreed to that plan, even though I knew it would be hard and that it would hurt a lot. It's NOT my plan- it's Lincoln's. And I feel blessed to have this testimony of the plan of salvation.
On really difficult days I also try and remember all the little tender mercies the Lord showed to me right around the time that Lincoln passed away. There are so many things that I look back on now that were perfectly lined up to make things "go more smoothly", it's pretty amazing. And when I think of those things I realize the Lord loves me and tried to make things go the way they needed to for me to feel at peace about things.
Each day is still hard. I miss him every minute of every day, still. It doesn't get easier, you just get use to it. And I am grateful to know that I will see my Savior, and my sweet son again someday in Heaven.
