Triggers

I think I've said this a lot but as the years go on, and I continue to live without my son by my side, I am always amazed at how my grief and sadness hit me in different ways, often times very unexpectedly and without a lot of warning.  Today is one of those days.  Our sweet rainbow babies turn two years old in nine days.  Our Lincoln died 9 days before his second birthday.  So today the twins are the same age as Lincoln was when he died.  And for some reason, which I really can't describe why, that makes me super sad.  And a wave of grief hits hard, knocks me down, and I just accept that today will be a sad day.  And that's ok.

I suppose one reason this day seems significant to me is because I look at my energetic, funny, sweet (and sometimes crazy!) twins, and my heart bursts with an incredible love that I could never describe before becoming a mother.  A love like no other.  I look at them and I can NOT imagine my life without them. .... And then I think of my Lincoln boy and I honestly am really not sure how I am still standing today.  I don't know how I went on living without him.  And yes- obviously I know why I did it; I did it for our daughter who needs us, who is grieving as well and needs her mom and dad. And also because I am strong in my faith and I know I will see my baby boy again in heaven.  But I am also human and although I know that God has a plan for us, and I know I will see him again some day, and I know that I have been blessed and carried and lifted up through these past 4 years.....sometimes, on days like today, it just sucks.  And it's not fair.  And it hurts really bad.  And that is when I am amazed I get out of bed each day, because I can't imagine life without my twins, nor can I imagine my life without Lincoln.  And yet here we are, and life must go on.

I heard quote recently that describes my feelings perfectly on this matter:

"I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel."  

Another reason this grief hit me today I think is because tomorrow our twins will have outlived their older brother.  And that seems so unfair and just not right.  They will grow up, and achieve milestones that Lincoln never will.  I will know them, and be able to raise them to age 3 and 4 and 5, and so on.  And I don't know what Lincoln would have been like at those ages, as I don't get the opportunity to experience life with him at age 3, and 4, etc.  And I absolutely feel so so lucky to be blessed with these miracle babies, and I never ever take a day with them for granted. They have brought so much incredible joy and love to our family.  And I am lucky to be their momma.  But gosh I wish I could also have the opportunity to raise Lincoln right now as well.

After Lincoln passed away I became a little obsessed for awhile at reading other blogs which were written by mothers who had angle children, who had passed away at a young age.  Looking back, I think those blogs were a life line for me.  A way for me to see that other mothers have gone through what I am going through and they are still alive.  And they have found a new normal, and have been able to find joy in their lives.  And so I suppose I sometimes write on this blog in hopes that I can shed some light for another mother who has lost a child.  And give a sliver of hope that although it hurts all the time and it really sucks, there will also be joy again.  I don't write on here because I want pitty. I don't want people to feel sorry for us or think they have to try and come up with something to say.  I just want others to know that grief is ongoing.  It's a forever journey, not a small moment in time.  It doesn't go away, and you don't just get over it.  It's never ok.  And it's with you always.