Out of the blue Cordelia said to me: Mommy Lincoln is my brother
Me: Yes! Yes he is your brother, you're right!
C: I want to see him mommy. I want to see my brother. We lost him. We no can find him
Me: I know honey. I want to see Lincoln too. I miss him. He is in heaven. He lives with Heavenly Father so we can't see him right now.
C: ohhhh Mommy I want to see my brother. We lost him. Where he go? He is my friend mom. Lincoln is my friend. I want to see him.
By this point I'm holding back tears and kind of want to bawl my eyes out. It hits me that we are now entering yet another realm of grief. One we haven't yet experience and yet I knew it was coming. My twins will never know Lincoln here on earth and although I want them to grow up knowing they have a brother named Lincoln (and they already see pictures of him all the time and can identify him with ease) he will always be just an idea, a concept and a picture to them. He will never be real. And there will only be so much they will be able to identify with, when it comes to talking about Lincoln. I want them to grow up knowing him, and who he was, and how loved he was. But without ever really meeting him or knowing him, like Jezelle did, it will always be a different kind of grief for them. They will grieve just that- NOT ever knowing him. And that is so sad to me.
I was asked recently what my definition of endurance and perseverance is. THIS is. We keep going. We find joy in each day and try our best to live a worth life that both our Father in Heaven and our Lincoln will be proud of us for.
