I didn't even post this year about Lincoln's birthday, or the anniversary of his death! Every year is a little different and a although we do many of the same things, it changes. And I want to remember that since it all seems to blur together. Most importantly I feel like this is a good place for my children to read someday about how we continued to honor and celebrate Lincoln. So, I need to go back and post about those days.
A dear friend of mine sent the above quote to me last week. It's very fitting. She has a son who passed away 19 years ago in July. I asked her how she spends the anniversary of his death 19 years later so we talked about how grief changes and evolves and yet stays exactly the same too.
I have someone dear to me who lost a child not too long ago. I try and support her by checking in and letting her know I am thinking of her. I think about what I found to be most helpful for me, soon after Lincoln died, but also remind myself that everyone is different and needs something different to get through a difficult loss like this. I sometimes wonder if she sees me now, and how our life is, and thinks she will never be where I am, and therefore we can't relate. I remember thinking that of others. (And yet, where am I?! I don't even know). I remember thinking that I would never stop counting the days and the weeks, and the months of how long Lincoln had been gone, or what grade he would be in. But time goes by and that does happen. The years strangely blend together and it may appear that things are "ok" now or things feel "better". But in some ways they don't and it is something that I deal with every single day- it is just not always outwardly shown. The hurt never goes away, you just learn to live with it by your side. 5 1/2 years later grief still hits me in waves and literally knocks me off my feet.
A few weeks ago I was filling out a bereavement camp registration form for my daughter to go to. I bawled the entire time I filled it out. I shouldn't be looking into bereavement camp for my child, so she can go off and hang out with other kids who have lost loved ones. (Although the camp is AMAZING and I can't wait for her to attend next year!).
Out of the blue, my 3 year old asked me last week what the thing in Lincoln's nose was, so we had a conversation about feeding tubes and why he needed one. This sweet child looked up at me and said, "oh mommy I really love Lincoln. I want him to come back and live with us." I could hardly respond. What a gift that our twins love him so much and feel such a close connection to him, even though they have no earthly memories of him.
At the grocery store a few weeks ago, as the checker put the last of my groceries in my car, he said (jokingly) "You sure you got all your kids with you?" I laughed and under my breath said to myself, "I actually don't!"
I may appear to some to be 'just fine' now, since it's been 5 years and I seem to be better. But I still hurt every day and ache to hold my son again.
Here are a few pictures of visiting Lincoln this year on the anniversary of his death- March 10th, and from celebrating his birthday on March 19th.
Eating poptarts is a MUST since those were his favorite!
passing pinwheels out at that park
blowing out his cake
