Blogs

When we first discovered that Lincoln had special needs I scoured the internet, finding any and every blog I could find, written by a mother of a child with special needs.  I related to their perspective, their heart ache, and most of all their joy.  I often knew exactly how they were feeling and what they were going through.


I don't read those blogs very often anymore.  I feel sad that I don't have a child with special needs here on earth with me anymore.  I miss feeling what they feel, and doing what they get to do with their children.  I'm envious of all those mothers who get to raise their children with special needs.  I sounds crazy, but it's true.  What an incredible blessing and honor it is to be Lincoln's mother.  And oh how I miss taking him to therapy and doctor appointments.  


Though I often wonder what those families are up to, I can hardly bring myself to reading about their lives now, because they aren't like mine anymore.  I now have found an entire new set of blogs to read, written by mothers who have lost children around the same age as Lincoln.  Again, I take great comfort in knowing I'm not alone.  I'm not going crazy.  And although I never feel like I'm going to make it through another day, I somehow do.


And I relate.  I now unfortunately know exactly what it feels like to loose a child.  The following quote is taking from a blog I often read called A Daily Scoop:


"This pain now is like a headache. Sometimes it is in the background, dull and distracting. Other times it is throbbing and demands solitude. Then there are times it overcomes me like a migraine, making me physically ill and spontaneously producing tears and pleas for it to go away.  And yet, in the painful silence there still is a peace. In the sorrow there is a pervasive peace. How these two coexist, the peace and the pain, defies logic. They partner to dance gracefully across the stage of my life in this unwritten act. In the end, their dance will be the one I remember. I watch daily as this dance transforms me into a new being."


I read that one time recently and knew exactly how she felt.  She put into words just perfectly what I often feel on a daily basis.