Memorial Day

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.  Today we took pictures with our entire extended family, which I was dreading, since one special member of the family would be missing from all of the pictures.  We also took the pictures at the same spot our family did just 4 months before Lincoln passed away.  It was hard going back to that place, and hard taking pictures of our family when it just didn't seem right with Lincoln missing from all the pictures.  I hate it.

And, as if that wasn't hard enough, for some reason we decided to visit Lincoln's grave right after, since we were close by.  We went on this same day last year, but last year was the first time we visited since the day of his funeral.  And although an entire year has gone by, one year later my feelings were the same.  This sucks and I hurt so badly to hold my sweet Lincoln again.

 It's quite a sight as you enter the cemetery on Memorial Day weekend, with a million flags up everywhere.  It's beautiful.  

A few weeks ago a friend said that her 6 year old daughter really wanted to attend a funeral of a close friend who had passed away, and although she didn't really want to take her daughter, she realized how important it is to teach our children about death.  Yup- we've got that lesson covered!  As Shane and I sat by Lincoln's grave, talking about life, we watched as Jezelle went wondering through the cemetery, reading the messages and names on each headstone.  I told Shane how strange it is that she will grow up with a familiarity of this cemetery.  It will just be part of her life and our family routine.   She was content walking around when suddenly she looked at me and started to sob.  Although we had come here not too long ago, Jezelle was very emotional this time, which then results in Shane and I feeling very emotional.  She sobbed as I carried her all the way to the car.  

There has always been talk of how a mother learns to distinguish between her baby's different cries; depending on if they are tired, hungry, etc.  I feel that way about Jezelle.  She has a heart-wrentching cry that is so different from any of her other cries, when she is truly mourning the loss of her little brother.  You can hear the hurt in her voice.  It's absolutely heart-breaking.

A friend of mine asked just last week if I ever have moments of feeling "ok" about Lincoln's death.  No.  Never ever.  I have received confirmation and felt at peace that it was his time to go, and that everything in life happens for a reason, and I know that I will see him again someday, but that still doesn't make it ok.  It will never be ok, and unfortunately until you've lost a child, you just cannot understand that feeling.  There is nothing like it.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, which is such a bitter sweet holiday for me now.  I feel so blessed that I'm the mom to two of the most amazing children ever.  I'm lucky to be able to spend the day with my sweet little girl and fantastic husband and family.  I also have an incredible mom, whom I love to pieces and feel blessed to share this day with.  And yet, at the same time it's so hard to not be able to spend this day with my sweet son.  It's more than hard, it's actually kind of a nightmare.  I heard a few people today say they were missing their moms who were thousands of miles away.  Oh yeah?  Well my son can't be reached by phone or by airplane so stop complaining!  I wish I could just FLY to heaven to visit my Lincoln, if for just only a few minutes.

Last Mother's Day a dear friend gave me a beautiful necklace that says "Mother of an angel" on it.  I wear it often.  I looked back and I guess I never wrote about it last year on this blog.  I didn't write anything on Mother's Day.  I clearly wasn't in the mood.  And I'm not really now but I wanted to share the beautiful poem that my friend gave me, along with that necklace that means so much to me.

Mother of an Angel

There must be a special mansion in the heavens up above,

waiting to be filled with the tears, and laughter and love.

Of the mother and her child who are finally together,

after their separation that seemed would last forever.

A little room must wait, with the perfect rocking chair

where she and he will once again resume their cuddling there.

She'll recall all of his favorite books and the songs he loved her to sing,

It will be as if time never passed, for her heart will remember those things.

And when he begs for just one more, she won't ever hesitate.

Because mother and child will be together again, and everything else can wait.

There must be beautiful gardens, with forts and wagons and swings, 

Where mother and son will spend hours and hours, doing al of the little boy things.

Like riding bikes, flying kites, and looking for worms and bugs;

like racing to the finish line and giving great big bear hugs.

There must be a cosy kitchen waiting for the day

When mother and son are together again and both have so much to say.

There will be the smell of cookies baking for a little boy to devour

As he sits at the counter and talks to his mom, with never a care for the hour.

Somehow Heaven must be a place where wrong is all made right;

filled with things more beautiful than any earthly sight.

But there must be something special that is felt by everyone

About the corner of heaven that is shared by a Mother and her Angel son.

-Marilee Davis

I love you Linc Linc.