As another holiday approaches....

The holidays have always been hard since Lincoln passed away 5 1/2 years ago. We experience so much joy and happiness and yet at the same time there is always a little sadness in my heart at this time of year. It's hard to explain in words.

I sometimes feel that God has forgotten about us. Our life have certainly not become any easier since he has been gone. We continue have our fair share of struggles and I will freely admit that there are times where I wonder why us? Don't we get a 'pass' on hard stuff. We've been through enough. Give us a break! But I know that's not how life works.

I've had a few friends who have lost loved ones lately and I always remind them to be kind to themselves. Allow yourself time to grieve. It's ok to be sad. As the years have gone on my really sad days don't come as often. But especially around Christmas I allow myself to have a few meltdowns. It's really hard not buying gifts for him and wondering each year what we would have gotten him, what he would have liked and what his Christmas list would look like. 

My sweet niece Maggie passed away last Christmas, just 12 hours after she was born. I've been grieving all over again for my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, knowing how hard the first Christmas and the first anniversary of her death will be for them, and ALL at the same time. A double punch in the gut. It has made me reflect on our first Christmas without Lincoln and each time I think of it I cry. We had so many friends and family reach out to show their love for us and for him.

At the time Jezelle kept saying all she wanted for Christmas was doll clothes and tights with Lincoln's name on it, a request I absolutely did not have the mental capacity to execute. I mentioned this to a dear friend of mine and of course on Christmas Eve, we found tiny little doll tights and socks on our door step with Lincoln's name on them, written in black permanent pen. Such a simple thing and yet something that meant so much to us and especially to our sweet daughter, who was also feeling such a loss in her life at the time.

I was having one of those sad days a few weeks ago and wondering why I couldn't just have an easy life. Out of the blue I received a message from a very close childhood friend of mine, with the link to this article. I read it and cried. It was just what I needed to hear and to be reminded that we are still loved and never forgotten.

http://www.ldsliving.com/Elder-Holland-Shares-the-Powerful-Rebuke-He-Received-While-with-His-Dying-Father-on-Christmas-Eve/s/87225

"It came to me in a profound way that in this life no one can have real love without eventually dealing with real loss, and we certainly can’t rejoice over one’s birth and the joy of living unless we are prepared to understand and accommodate and accept with some grace the inevitability—including the untimeliness—of difficulty and trouble and death. These are God’s gifts to us—birth and life and death and salvation, the whole divine experience in all its richness and complexity." -Jeffery R. Holland

It still hurts.

I think of posts I want to write ALL the time and then I just don't. I don't know why. I guess because it's really hard for me to write down my feelings and to express my thoughts. It takes a lot out of me, emotionally, so I just avoid it. Then more time passes and I get further and further behind in my updates and then it just feels overwhelming. So I do nothing.

I didn't even post this year about Lincoln's birthday, or the anniversary of his death! Every year is a little different and a although we do many of the same things, it changes. And I want to remember that since it all seems to blur together. Most importantly I feel like this is a good place for my children to read someday about how we continued to honor and celebrate Lincoln.  So, I need to go back and post about those days.

A dear friend of mine sent the above quote to me last week. It's very fitting.  She has a son who passed away 19 years ago in July. I asked her how she spends the anniversary of his death 19 years later so we talked about how grief changes and evolves and yet stays exactly the same too.

I have someone dear to me who lost a child not too long ago. I try and support her by checking in and letting her know I am thinking of her. I think about what I found to be most helpful for me, soon after Lincoln died, but also remind myself that everyone is different and needs something different to get through a difficult loss like this.  I sometimes wonder if she sees me now, and how our life is, and thinks she will never be where I am, and therefore we can't relate. I remember thinking that of others. (And yet, where am I?! I don't even know). I remember thinking that I would never stop counting the days and the weeks, and the months of how long Lincoln had been gone, or what grade he would be in. But time goes by and that does happen. The years strangely blend together and it may appear that things are "ok" now or things feel "better". But in some ways they don't and it is something that I deal with every single day- it is just not always outwardly shown.  The hurt never goes away, you just learn to live with it by your side. 5 1/2 years later grief still hits me in waves and literally knocks me off my feet.

A few weeks ago I was filling out a bereavement camp registration form for my daughter to go to. I bawled the entire time I filled it out. I shouldn't be looking into bereavement camp for my child, so she can go off and hang out with other kids who have lost loved ones. (Although the camp is AMAZING and I can't wait for her to attend next year!).

Out of the blue, my 3 year old asked me last week what the thing in Lincoln's nose was, so we had a conversation about feeding tubes and why he needed one.  This sweet child looked up at me and said, "oh mommy I really love Lincoln. I want him to come back and live with us." I could hardly respond. What a gift that our twins love him so much and feel such a close connection to him, even though they have no earthly memories of him.

At the grocery store a few weeks ago, as the checker put the last of my groceries in my car, he said (jokingly) "You sure you got all your kids with you?" I laughed and under my breath said to myself, "I actually don't!"

I may appear to some to be 'just fine' now, since it's been 5 years and I seem to be better. But I still hurt every day and ache to hold my son again.

Here are a few pictures of visiting Lincoln this year on the anniversary of his death- March 10th, and from celebrating his birthday on March 19th.

 Eating poptarts is a MUST since those were his favorite!

 passing pinwheels out at that park

 blowing out his cake