As another holiday approaches....

The holidays have always been hard since Lincoln passed away 5 1/2 years ago. We experience so much joy and happiness and yet at the same time there is always a little sadness in my heart at this time of year. It's hard to explain in words.

I sometimes feel that God has forgotten about us. Our life have certainly not become any easier since he has been gone. We continue have our fair share of struggles and I will freely admit that there are times where I wonder why us? Don't we get a 'pass' on hard stuff. We've been through enough. Give us a break! But I know that's not how life works.

I've had a few friends who have lost loved ones lately and I always remind them to be kind to themselves. Allow yourself time to grieve. It's ok to be sad. As the years have gone on my really sad days don't come as often. But especially around Christmas I allow myself to have a few meltdowns. It's really hard not buying gifts for him and wondering each year what we would have gotten him, what he would have liked and what his Christmas list would look like. 

My sweet niece Maggie passed away last Christmas, just 12 hours after she was born. I've been grieving all over again for my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, knowing how hard the first Christmas and the first anniversary of her death will be for them, and ALL at the same time. A double punch in the gut. It has made me reflect on our first Christmas without Lincoln and each time I think of it I cry. We had so many friends and family reach out to show their love for us and for him.

At the time Jezelle kept saying all she wanted for Christmas was doll clothes and tights with Lincoln's name on it, a request I absolutely did not have the mental capacity to execute. I mentioned this to a dear friend of mine and of course on Christmas Eve, we found tiny little doll tights and socks on our door step with Lincoln's name on them, written in black permanent pen. Such a simple thing and yet something that meant so much to us and especially to our sweet daughter, who was also feeling such a loss in her life at the time.

I was having one of those sad days a few weeks ago and wondering why I couldn't just have an easy life. Out of the blue I received a message from a very close childhood friend of mine, with the link to this article. I read it and cried. It was just what I needed to hear and to be reminded that we are still loved and never forgotten.

http://www.ldsliving.com/Elder-Holland-Shares-the-Powerful-Rebuke-He-Received-While-with-His-Dying-Father-on-Christmas-Eve/s/87225

"It came to me in a profound way that in this life no one can have real love without eventually dealing with real loss, and we certainly can’t rejoice over one’s birth and the joy of living unless we are prepared to understand and accommodate and accept with some grace the inevitability—including the untimeliness—of difficulty and trouble and death. These are God’s gifts to us—birth and life and death and salvation, the whole divine experience in all its richness and complexity." -Jeffery R. Holland