Heartache

photograph taken by Photography by Blush

On Saturday March 10, 2012 our sweet Lincoln passed away due to unexplained causes.  He had taken an afternoon nap and when I went in to check on him he was no longer breathing.  It was a parent's absolute worse nightmare, and we have been stuck in the nightmare ever since.  The paramedics worked on him for about 20 minutes but I knew he was gone before they even arrived.  They called his death at 5:50 pm.  He lived on this earth for 23 months and 20 days.  His birthday is March 19th.  He would have been 2 years old, just 9 days after he passed away.

Although there are absolutely no words to describe what we are feeling or how we have survived within the past week and a half since he left this earth, we will now be using this blog to express our thoughts and to share stories of tender mercies that the Lord has specifically placed in our life to help carry us through this difficult time.

It's important to me that people know that although Lincoln had developmental delays, his death was completely unrelated to his special needs.  I don't know why that has been important that people know that, but it is.  I guess because I wonder if some people feel like it's ok that he passed away since he had special needs.  I suppose those people never met Lincoln though.  Because if they did, they would never ever think that.  As we have always said, Lincoln was an angel on earth.  He brightened our lives every single minute we had the privilege of being with him and we feel so blessed to be his parents.

It's hard to believe our Lincoln boy is gone.  I still have thoughts cross my mind daily like 'Oh I better be quiet because Lincoln is asleep' or 'I need to go check on Lincoln'.  I sometimes wonder if I'll wake up from all of this and he will still be here.  I miss him SO much I can't even put it into words.  I miss cuddling with him.  ....Oh he was such a snuggle bug!!  We would get him out of bed each morning and after his naps and all he wanted to do was cuddle.  So we would rock him for as long as he wanted, which sometimes was 10 minutes.  I will treasure those times forever.  I miss kissing his neck and hearing him laugh.  I miss his smell.  I miss watching him learn to crawl and watching him make progress in therapy each day.  I just miss every single thing about him.  I miss feeding him, and rocking him, and dressing him, and giving him a bath.  Oh how he loved splashing in the bath.  I miss wrapping him up in a towel after his bath as he was shivering.  Despite being cold he still smiled.  He always smiled.  He had the most amazing smile in the world that lit up his entire face.  And his smile said so much.  It said 'thank you' and 'I love you' and 'Good morning' and 'hello' and 'I'm watching you' and 'I hear you'. ....His eyes said so much!  He was truly the most happy and easy going and sweet children I have ever known.  He was truly an angel on earth.

I know it was Lincoln's time to go, although that doesn't make my heartache any less.  Heavenly Father makes no mistakes.  We believe that before we lived on earth we lived with our Father in Heaven.  This place was called the pre-earth life, or the preexistence.  Everyone then came down to earth to receive a mortal body, be tested, and choose right from wrong, in hopes that then we can return to be with our Heavenly Father in heaven once more. Children like Lincoln were so valiant in the pre-earth life, they did not need to come down and be tested and choose right from wrong or have the trials that the rest of us face. They just needed to receive a mortal body. We believe Lincoln’s mission on earth has been completed, though too short in our eyes, it was his time to go.

I felt very impressed that I needed to speak at my son's funeral, to share with others some of our thoughts and beliefs.  So below is a tiny bit of the talk which I gave at Lincoln's memorial service:

Throughout each unexpected turn and challenge of his life, not once did we question our unconditional love and devotion to him. In return, there was not a moment when he did not show us his love. Though he did not speak yet, his eyes spoke immense gratitude. When I gave him a cracker, those expressive eyes would look up and say “Thank you mommy”. As he was headed into his ear tube surgery, he tenderly touched my face and those sweet eyes said “Thank you Mommy for making me feel better.”

When I got home from work and a day of missing Lincoln, I would rush to give him a squeeze and would always say, “What would I do without you in my life?” I used to worry about Lincoln…and how he would be treated by others and what his future would hold. And now my only worry is just that…”What will I do without you in my life?”

Lincoln taught so many people more in these past two years then we could have ever taught him in a lifetime.  I have always been a worrier. But my rock, Shane, never worried about Lincoln’s future and had unwaivering faith. As Lincoln’s Dad he just loved his “little man” with total acceptance and with no hesitation.

My sweet Dad knew early on that Lincoln had been a valiant spirit in heaven. He would often encourage me to remember this, especially on really difficult days when it was hard for me to see his progress. When Lincoln was at his Papi and Mimi’s house, my Dad would often quietly come over and touch foreheads with Lincoln and instantly feel an overwhelming peace and comfort.

I feel it’s important to share with all of you that when Shane and I look back on the past two years we did not waste one single minute of the precious two years we had with Lincoln. We got out of bed every morning and celebrated each and every milestone he made. We slowed down and treasured every smile he gave us and every giggle we heard from him. We loved him unconditionally.  We have absolutely no regrets. We cuddled with him constantly.  When we got him up in the mornings and after his naps he often wanted to just sit and snuggle in the rocking chair for sometimes up to 10 minutes.  We never rushed this time with him.  We never felt that we should have snuggled or kissed him.  And I’m grateful that I often listened to the spirit when it would whisper to me, ‘remember what this feels like, don’t forget this moment, take this in, never forget what this feels like’.  The last day of his life was spent in our arms.  We were able to snuggle him all day long because he had a cold and didn’t feel well. We took countless videos and pictures of him. When we look back there is not a day or a moment that we regret or that we would have done differently with Lincoln. We love him immensely and have a strong testimony that he has return to his Heavenly Father for a very specific purpose.  We thank you for your love and continual support in our lives.  We feel so incredibly blessed to be Lincoln’s.  We feel so lucky that he was sent to our family and has taught us more in the past 23 months and 20 days then we could have ever taught him.  We are blessed. 

I believe in Jesus Christ.  I believe that He died for us so that we could live again with him someday.  I know that our lives are carefully orchestrated and planned out by our Father in Heaven and that he loves and cares for each and every one of us.  I believe in the resurrection and I know that we will be with Lincoln again some day.


Here is Lincoln's story, which my sweet sister Alissa read at his memorial service:

Lincoln Seth Hartley was born on March 19^th, 2010. His mom Joie, his Dad Shane and his big sister Jezelle instantly fell in love with him. The first time Jezelle saw his face and learned his name, she exclaimed, “Oh baby Linc Linc” and the nickname stuck. Within days of life, they learned what comes naturally for most babies like eating and swallowing were a challenge for Lincoln. Although life was not easy for this little guy, he continued to be a most cheerful and angelic baby.

From there it became apparent that Lincoln had developmental delays. The family adjusted to a new normal, taking Lincoln to multiple medical appointments and therapies each week. Although Lincoln had special needs, by no means did this define him or his family. They eagerly accepted this challenge with grace and loved him unconditionally.

Lincoln’s main source of nutrition was through pureed foods. His organic diet quickly went out the window when they discovered his love of chocolate pudding and pop tarts. Lincoln was very particular about who fed him, his favorites being Mom, Dad or Mimi. They all look back now and laugh at the song and dance that was required during meal times to get him to eat, which often included a rousing rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” accompanied by Jezelle’s unique dance moves.

People were drawn to him – family, friends and even strangers. His warmth and charm were magnetic, as were his looks. While out and about, his family would get stopped by strangers commenting on the beauty of his curly strawberry blonde hair. Recently at the grocery store, the clerk commented on his big ears by stating “OH MY GOSH. HIS EARS ARE HUUUGE. THEY ARE SO ADORABLE AND SO AWESOME!”

Lincoln had musical gifts. He was quite the percussionist, especially at his doctor appointments. While waiting for the doctor and during the appointment, he would often provide a background beat with his drumming on the crinkly paper, as he loved any sound similar to rustling papers. Also, his mom and dad always knew when Lincoln was awake in the morning by the sound of his clicking tongue.

This child marched to his own beat, accomplishing milestones in his own time. As a result, Lincoln helped his family slow down and enjoy every small victory.  When Lincoln began to crawl, there was nothing sweeter than hearing his big sister call out, “Mooom Lincoln is getting into my stuff!” It was music to her ears.

Although Lincoln adored all of his family, his Daddy was by far one of his favorites. “Little man” (as Daddy called him) often showed his affection by tugging and playing with Dad’s ears.

For not being verbal, Lincoln was very communicative. His facial expressions spoke volumes. When he learned how to scoot, he cleverly used it to his advantage in therapy. One particular day he decided he’d had enough and scooted on his bum so his back faced the therapist.

Lincoln loved the rain and would look up to let it fall in his face with squinty eyes and a big happy smile. 

He loved his big sister Jezelle and cousin Eli. No one made him laugh harder than the two of them.

Lincoln loved his giraffe blanky and slept with it every night.

He loved being tickled and roughhousing with his dad.

Lincoln loved music and playing patty cake, especially with his Mimi.

He loved being held and saved his best snuggles for mom.

Lincoln loved riding in the car and any toy that spun.

And he especially loved bath time.

Lincoln IS LOVED.

He sure is.  And we will miss him so so dearly.