I'd give anything . . .

*this picture was taken a few months ago.  Linc loved music and loved his piano, which was quickly nicknamed the "poopying piano" 

because whenever he played it, he seemed to always have a poopy diaper right after!

I find myself saying this phrase a lot lately.  I'd give anything to . . . hold Lincoln one more time, hear his laugh, smell his morning breath, kiss his warm little neck after waking up from his nap, rock him at 2:00am, kiss his forehead, change a poopy diaper, hear him cry, smell his hair, listen to him babble with his big sissy, hear him click his tongue, clean up his throw up, give him a bath, snuggle with 

him . . . . 

And then the other day it occurred to me that I would honestly almost give just about anything for any of the above.  I would cut off a leg or arm, I would stand on my head for 20 hours, I would climb mountains,  I would be homeless, I would . . . I don't know . . . I would give almost anything!

And I find myself wondering why I ever worried about Lincoln's special needs or what his future would hold because right now I'd rather him be here and never ever talk or walk then have him not here at all.  And I find it hard to believe that I ever felt any sadness when learning about Lincoln's developmental delays.  Who cares?  At least he was here, shedding light and happiness on our lives daily and bringing an unbelievable amount of joy to each person he met.  It's so strange that I am now not only grieving the loss of my son but also the loss of the opportunity to raise a child with special needs and be a part of that incredible community that is bonded together by such amazing strength, grace and love.

I went back to work this week and although the first day back was bearable, the grief hit me as I got to my car.  I realized that I was headed to pick up my children from my parents house, yet one of my children, that I had missed so dearly for the past 6 hours while I was working, wasn't going to be there for me to pick up, for me to hold, kiss, and snuggle.  I miss my children so very much while I'm at work and that's just for 6 hours.  I can hardly go that long without seeing them, how was I now going to survive the rest of my life without my Lincoln boy?  And unfortunately I don't know the answer.  The pain which I feel in these situations is almost unbearable.  It's hard the believe that I can feel like this and still be living.  But I have to trust that somehow we will make it through because others have.  I just don't quite know how yet.