Questions

When people say, "they don't know what to say" I always tell them it's better to say SOMETHING (even if it's "I don't know what to say") then to say NOTHING at all.  I also have found that since there really isn't anything anyone can say to help us feel better, I enjoy when people ask questions.  It shows they care without stumbling on words of advice or suggestions that really are not helpful at all.  So, I thought I'd answer some of the great questions that I've been asked lately, incase anyone is wondering....

*Lincoln's name is not up on his plaque at the cemetery yet.  It could take up to 6 months!!  It's ridiculous really.

*Of course anyone is more then welcome to go and visit his grave at the cemetery.  I'm always more then happy to describe how to find it, although it may be easier to find when his name is there.  However, in the mean time, just follow the pinwheels!  You'll know where he is.

*Lincoln's final death report was recently issued by the medical examiner.  They never found any cause of his death, and therefore on that report it states, "unknown cause of death to an infant."  SIDS is only given for those children younger then one year of age.  So, Linc was too old for that diagnosis.

*We haven't touched Lincoln's room.  It's the exact same way it was when he left us.  For now we like it that way.  We all spend a lot of time in his room and feel at peace when we are in there.  He has a great rocking chair in his room where I will often sit and snuggle with Jezelle, or just sit by myself and rock, holding his little giraffe lovey while praying that I can feel him close by.  I think it's a place where we all feel close to him and at peace.  I sometimes walk by Lincoln's room and Jezelle is just sitting there rocking in the chair, looking out the window and holding his lovey.  Ohhh how she misses him.

*I was recently asked (by my sweet sister-in-law who is always so thoughtful) what I miss most, aside from the obvious of missing Lincoln himself.  And as strange as it sounds, I miss being a mom to a child with special needs.  I miss the special needs community we were part of and the incredible families and teachers we were blessed to have known.  I miss Lincoln's therapists, I miss watching Lincoln at therapy, and taking him to therapy.  I miss our drives to therapy, which at least once a week were about 30-40 min. away.  I miss seeing him in my rear view mirror.  I miss Jezelle having a sibling.  And I miss who we were before he died.  Because regardless of how we look at it we are changed.  We are all different.

3 months

Today marks another month we've lived without Lincoln with us.  It's been 3 months.  It feels like so long ago now that it almost seems like it was a different life.  And I guess in many ways it was.  Everyone who knew him has now been changed because of this experience.  We are all different.  We are all changed.

I've had quite a few people tell me that grief is like a series of waves.  Though they are always there, sometimes they come crashing down harder and more unexpectedly then others.  Either way, they come, so we just have to learn to face them head on and ride them out entirely.  It's no use fighting them.  And they aren't going to just stop, or go away.

And so we pray to get through another month.  Another day.  Another hour.  And at the end of each day we thank God that we've made it through another day.

Cousins

My sweet 3-year-old nephew, Eli is a fire ball!  He's full of energy and is non-stop all day long.  He's actually a very sensitive kid though and always had a very tender place in his heart for Lincoln.  My sister says he still sometimes asks if Lincoln is coming over, or where Lincoln is.  My sister and I always thought it was fun to buy these two matching outfits so they had a few of the same shirts.  Lately Eli has been asking to wear a specific shirt again and again.  He calls it his 'Lincoln shirt' and wants to "wear the same shirt as Lincoln".  Though he's not able to express it like we can, in his own special way we know that Eli misses our little Linc just as much as we do!