My scar

According to definition a scar is an "area of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin after injury. A scar results from the biological process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process. With the exception of very minor lesions, every wound results in some degree of scarring."

I've been told that scars are something to be proud of; that they tell a story, mark a significant event in your journey through life, show that you've learned something, and most importantly, that you've healed.  I had major knee surgery 3 months ago, on May 3rd, almost exactly 2 months after Lincoln's passing.  I'll spare you the nasty picture of what my knee looked like immediately following surgery but here is what my scar looks like now, 3 months later.  If you compare the 'before' picture to the 'after' picture, this scar doesn't look too bad!  In fact, it's healed quite nicely.  

But in my eyes this scar doesn't just represent the fact that my knee has now healed.  It represents so much more.  A friend of mine teased me that I should get a tattoo to represent Lincoln.  I told her I would never get a tattoo, but that the scar on my knee would always be a remembrance of this period in my life.  If only the scar of loosing my son would heal as easy as my knee.  People were so worried about my mental well-being following surgery because I was already in such a fragile state, and yet I quickly reminded them that this knee surgery and the pain that I was feeling was nothing compared to the physical pain I was feeling inside from loosing my child.  And as I've watched the scar on my knee "heal", I can't help but wish my broken heart would heal a tiny bit too.  I've come to realize that there truly is no "scar" when grieving the loss of a child.  There is no "healing"of the wound or experience that 'replaces the normal life' as a scar replaces the normal skin.  The wound is open and you just learn to deal with it.  And as the definition reads, scarring is part of the natural healing process, there is no real natural healing process with grieving.  You don't heal.  And unfortunately the scar, if there is such a thing, is not something to be proud of, or to learn from, although it does change you forever.  And like the scar on my knee that will never go away, I will never be the same.  There will always be a mark on my heart that will be there forever.  A very wise person told me last week that I will NEVER get over loosing my son, but I will get through it.  Just as I got through this terrible knee surgery.

We had the opportunity to engrave a brick, with Lincoln's name on it, in front of the Kindering Center, where he received all of his special education therapy services.  We drove over to see it a few weeks after it had been completed.  I hadn't been back to the Kindering Center since Lincoln passed away so it was an emotional experience.  I miss everything about that place, especially his therapist.  I'm glad they put his brick front and center, just where he deserves to be!

 Jezelle sitting next to the brick

 My sweet dad surprised us with this beautiful rock in his yard a few weeks ago.  My parents have an incredibly beautiful yard and garden.  What a neat gift and such a great way to honor him.

I am continually amazed by the thoughtful things that people do for us, to help us know that Lincoln has not been forgotten.  The flowers that are left on my door step weekly, the cards and notes in the mail and even the simple text messages that are sent truly mean so much to us.

  
Yesterday marked the 5th month since Lincoln's passing.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again . . . it seems like it's been FOREVER!!!!  But, I hope like the scar on my knee, my 'wound' will heal, at least enough so that I don't hurt so badly every day.  And through all my hurt and pain, I have to remember how blessed we are to be Lincoln's parents.  I'm so honored to be his mommy and to have him in my life.  And although I am changed because of this loss, and I see the world much differently now; through very different eyes, I am also changed for good.  And that is because of my sweet Lincoln.  We love you Lincoln.  We love you so so much.