What I would have said . . .

I feel very lucky that I have no regrets when it comes to Lincoln.  We loved him more then words can describe.  Pretty much every day of his life Shane and I would look at each other and one of us would say, "Isn't he the cutest kid you've ever seen?" or "they don't come any cuter than this" and we really believe that!  I'd come home from work and kiss him until I laid him down in his crib.  I'd tell him "I missed you all day long!!" and I really did when I was away from him.

But, as I look back on his two years on earth I sometimes wish I had handled myself differently at times.  I wish I had not worried so much and just enjoyed the good and the hard times all the same.  I wish I KNEW what I know now, but such is life!  The video below made me cry.  It's a bunch of parents with children who have special needs.  They are sharing messages to themselves on the day they found out their child's diagnosis.

When I saw this video I knew exactly what I would have told myself.  I would have said, 'It's going to be ok!  Don't worry so much.  Enjoy every second with him, because he won't be here long'  And then I remember that a tiny voice inside my head was telling me those things all along.  And that's when I want to scream and beg to bring him back.  I'd trade places right now with any parent who has a child with special needs.  I'd give anything to be part of that amazing community again and hold my head up high when I tell others how proud I am of my son with special needs.

I always have a hard time when I go to special events to support the special needs community that I ironically work in.  I went to one of those today.  It was a luncheon honoring the amazing people in our community who work with children with special needs.  There were a few parents who spoke and although I've sat in those fund raising events for 12 years, I get it now.  I understand the love these parents have for their children and feel sooooo envious that they are still experiencing that life and I am not.  Tomorrow it will be 8 months since Lincoln passed away.  Our life has changed so much in the past 8 months.  And although life seemed stressful and busy when Lincoln was in our lives it's ironically so much more stressful without him here.

His name is finally up at the cemetery.  Every time I drive up to that place I have an out-of-body experience.  I want to pinch myself and wake up for this nightmare.  Who is this driving up to the cemetery to visit their son's grave?  It can't be me!!!

 The pinwheels that were left there at his funeral are still there!

Seeing his name up seems so real.  So permanent.  

My boys!  

(My sister found this cute picture the other day.  It was taken on Christmas last year.  It melts my heart and breaks my heart, all at the same time.)