Tomorrow is Christmas. I didn't get to buy any presents for Lincoln this year and cried my way through wrapping gifts, as there wasn't one there to wrap for my baby boy. I hate seeing his stocking hanging there, empty, and I HATE that Jezelle is like an only child again. Getting Santa pictures taken just about
killed me. I literally wanted to throw a temper tantrum right there in the mall. It broke my heart to see Jezelle sitting up on Santa's lap alone, like she's an only child. Except she's not, her sibling is just NOT here. No siblings to take turns with on Christmas morning or to share in the excitement with. Needless to say this Christmas isn't like others. We are just getting through it. I didn't think it would be this hard. I thought it would be like any other day; hard and we miss him and I think of him at least every minute. But this is
HARD and it physically hurts so badly. And yet, at the same time we must make it fun and exciting for our child who
is still alive. But she's feeling the sadness too. I was reminded of this every time I asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and in all seriousness, she would answer, "Lincoln". Me too sweetheart. Me too.
Unfortunately I don't have a lot of pictures of Lincoln from last Christmas. He was still asleep when Jezelle started unwrapping her presents and somehow the moment got away from me and I don't have hardly any pictures of Christmas morning. It makes me really sad. What else is new?!
Here is Linc on Christmas morning last year, with his sissy and cousins.
And this is from the year before. Sooo cute!
I was just thinking about you and Lincoln and decided to come to his blog. You all have been in my thoughts every day this holiday season. I can't imagine how hard it has been and I'm sorry for what you've endured. All my love to you, Jezelle and Shane.
ReplyDeleteWhat precious pictures! Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteSince Grandma died it's been interesting to hear my Mom and her sisters talk about what life was like after they lost their brother. They never really talked about him much before. I think out of respect for her. She just could not move forward Joie. She rarely would even mention his name. My aunt Rosie said that she remembers that Grandma slept a lot when she was little. Looking back she was obviously depressed. I'm not saying that you and Shane are moving on because I don't think you ever will. You lost a child. But I do see you moving forward. I think the fact that you both express your anger, sadness, frustration, grief is helping that process. I love that Jezelle feels like she can tell you that she wants her brother for Christmas. My Mom wasn't much older than her when her brother died and I don't think she was ever allowed to grieve him the way you are helping Jez.
ReplyDeleteI dont know why I assumed you were no longer writing here, but I wish I had seen these sooner. My heart is broken for you and Shane and Jez and you family. Christmas this year sucked for me too, seeing those gifts you would've bought, things you would've done as a family. It hurts, and it hurts really bad. I can only hope that with time your pain will ease and it wont hurt so sharply. Every time I see a sweet little red head, or a child with an adorable big loving smile, I think of him.
ReplyDeleteI read this in a book the other day and made me totally think of Lincoln:
"The only instance when we would actually have control over the actual time of our passing would be if we completed our experiences on earth sooner than was anticipated, through our own perfection of spiritual lessons here. To us, this sounds like a frightening prospect, the better we are, the less time we will be on earth. The souls, in their marvelous world of reward, offer their own perspective:the better we learn here, the less time we will have wasted, and the sooner we graduate onto something better." (Walking in the garden of souls) xoxo