Back to School

*Jezelle LOVED going with Lincoln to his co-op classroom.  It's still one of her favorite memories with him.  When he first started the class I considered not taking her with me.  Oh how that is another tender mercy that we were given.

Although life has continued on and Lincoln has now been gone for almost 2 and 1/2 years the grief and pain I feel from missing him is the exact same as it always has been.  And what many people don't realize is that I not only have to deal with my own grief but I have to watch my precious family navigate through this nightmare each day as well; specifically my sweet daughter.  Her pain has not lessened either.  She misses Lincoln just as much as me.  Although she's a child, she hurts too.  Often.  It's something that I will have to help her work through for the rest of her life.  And no one realizes how often issues come up where we have to deal with something pertaining to Lincoln.

Though many moms are excited to get their kids back to school I dread it each year.  Jezelle gets very worried in new situations and feels lonely and sad when she's around people who don't know about Lincoln.  Transitions and change is hard for her.  So, we learned quickly that each year I send an email to her new teacher explaining that Jezelle has lost a brother and if she feels sad and needs to go see the school counselor to please let her do so, and on and on . . .

*this picture was taken on the first day of Lincoln's co-op preschool 

And then there's the 'All About Me' page.  How many people are in your family?  How many brothers and sisters do you have?  Send a picture of your family in.  So each year I have to ask Jezelle, just as I did tonight while tucking her into bed- do you want me to print a picture of you and the new babies and then one of you and Lincoln or do you want one of just the new babies? . . . she of course never hesitates to say she wants a picture of Lincoln on her 'All about Me' poster, but those are the questions that come up and those are the things that I have to deal with.  And unfortunately the reality is that now, nor will we ever have a picture of our entire family together.  That alone breaks my heart each day.