4 years later.

I can't believe I haven't posted in over a year and half.  I think of writing on here all the time, as things come up daily, and we continue to struggle through living life without our Lincoln with us. And then I just don't.  It's strange how I feel like it almost gets harder to write on here, instead of easier.  I cry just thinking about writing down my feelings and so I avoid it.  And then regret it.

How is it possible that I didn't even write last year on the anniversary of Lincoln's death, or at least on his birthday?!  I don't have an answer.  But perhaps it's because I worry I will run out of pictures of him, to post on here with each entry, or because I wonder what is really being accomplished by writing down my thoughts and experiences, other than sadness.  Mostly it's probably because I am so busy with twins, who seem to consume our lives, though we absolutely adore them.  Here is a picture of the twins visiting Lincoln's grave for the first time last March 10th, 2015.

So anyway, here we are.  4 years after our son died.  He would be turning 6 next week.  Six years old. The thought of that makes me cry too, because I don't know what he would be like as a six year old, I only know him as a two year old.  And that makes it seem like it was an eternity ago.

Really as the time goes on it never gets less sad, and I never feel less pain.  I just get use to having it with me.  I actually kind of wanted to crawl into a hole this year, and return to real life after his birthday next week.  But I have a nine year old daughter, who continues to struggle and who continues to grieve as well, and so I can't just ignore it, though sometimes that seems it would be much easier.  And yet at the same time I DO want to honor him and celebrate him and what an incredible little human being he was.

With each passing milestone there are new hurts and new pains.  Perhaps maybe that's why it never seems to get easier.  This coming May our twins will turn two.  That's how long we got to live with Lincoln in our lives.  And when I look at the twins and what a huge part of our family they have become, it makes it hard for me to breathe, knowing that after such a short, yet significant time in our family, we no longer have him with us.  And that hurts a lot too.

Today Shane took the day off from work and we just got through our day.  We took life at a slower pace and didn't do much...well, we took our day as slow as our super busy twins would allow us to.  We took Jezelle to a movie this afternoon and did something fun as a family, on a not so fun day.  And really, we don't miss him today more than any other day.  But it's a tough day to remember and think about as each hour ticks by.

We are blessed with amazing friends and family who never forget Lincoln and always loved him no matter what.