Memorial Day

The day before Memorial Day we went back to the cemetery for the first time since the day of Lincoln's funeral.  It was just as hard and emotional as we imagined it to be.  Although we took new pinwheels to put in the flower holder, the pinwheels from the service that day were still there.  That made me cry even harder.  Not that the emotions have lessened any, but for those few minutes it seemed we were living that day of the funeral all over again.  I could feel and remember every little detail from that day.  His name is still not up.  It can take up to 6 months, which is ridiculous.  A friend of mine wanted to visit the cemetery and I told her to just look for the pinwheels!

It seems so surreal that we now take family trips to the cemetery to visit our son's grave.  It just doesn't seem right that we now will have this "tradition" and our children will be raised doing this.  It's just not fair and seems so wrong.

The sun came out just as we got there, so that was nice.

I'm not sure I have explained that Lincoln is actually in a mausoleum at the cemetery and is not buried in the ground.  A mausoleum is a free-standing building, which holds caskets and can also be considered to be a type of a tomb (according to Wikipedia).  His casket is in with my grandpa's (my mom's Dad).  I wasn't so sure how I felt about this but when we went to look at different plots this just felt right to both Shane and I.

Below is a better picture of the mausoleum where Lincoln is.  These were taken on the day of the funeral.

His presence

pictures taken by Photography by Blush

I love the picture above (although Lincoln is making kind of a goofy face) because it's perfectly symbolic of how much we absolutely adore our Lincoln boy, and how our lives revolved around him.  He had such an incredibly strong presence in our home, and continues to do so, which we feel very blessed for.  Although as I reflect back on the past two years I feel that we very much lived in the moment with Lincoln and enjoyed each and every little thing he did, I'm not sure even then that we truly realized what an incredible influence he has made on our lives.  And as time goes by it becomes more and more apparent what an incredible honor and blessing it was to have him in our home, to take care of him, to sit with him through hours of therapy, to feel of his sweet little spirit, and to be in his presence.  And oh how honored and blessed we continue to feel to be Lincoln's parents!

But oh how we also feel of his absence and miss him every second of every minute of our day.

It has been 10 weeks since his passing and this past week or so has been an emotional one for both myself and our sweet 5 year old.  Though we felt it at the time, we understand even more now what an incredible presence Lincoln had, and still has on our home and I think there are times where Jezelle feels lost and lonely without him here.  They were truly best friends.  It's amazing how strong Lincoln's spirit was, how he calmed our nerves and stress with ease and how protected and safe we felt with him here.  What a spiritual experience each day was for us.  And although we always thought we were taking care of Lincoln, I now see that in actuality, he was taking care of us, and will continue to do so.  And I think Jezelle feels of this very strongly as well, though it's more difficult for her to put it into words.

For the 2 weeks following his death I felt so many emotions but one of the biggest ones I felt was unsafe and scared.  I described it to Shane one night as feeling the same way I do when Shane is out of town and traveling on business.  I didn't feel safe in my own home and yearned for Lincoln to be there.  I have been in awe of what a strong presence a tiny child can have over an entire home and family.  And I know Jezelle feels this too.

Jezelle asks the same questions most every night about Lincoln, which are 'Why did he have to die', 'What's he doing in heaven' and most of all 'Is Lincoln going to be ok in heaven'.  We go over the answers again and again and assure her that he's happy and being watched over and protected in heaven.  And then she says, "I wish he didn't have to go because I NEED him here.  I really need him mom."  I assure her that I feel the same way and that I understand how she feels.  And again am reminded of what a powerful presence and influence he has had on our family, and will continue to have.

Last weekend was Mother's Day and though it was hard, I felt like many of my friends and family went above and beyond to try and make it a very special day for me.  A dear friend of mine gave me a necklace  that says, "Mother to an Angel" on it, and that meant so much to me.  When Jezelle asked what the necklace said I described it to her.  And then it occurred to me that I'd never helped her to realize that she was still Lincoln's big sister, and that she always would be no matter what.  We talked about that for awhile and then I said, "See? You have an angel for a brother.  Isn't that cool?  How lucky that we have an angel in our family.  Not many people can say that!" And though I'd rather not have Lincoln as an angel in our family, and just have him as my son here on earth WITH me, I am so grateful that I still do very much feel of his presence here with us.  I know he is watching over us, keeping us safe and protected, and helping us to feel peace and comfort.  And I especially felt him with me on Mother's Day and knew he was close by.

I came across an incredible talk that was given by Caleb's dad (his website mentioned in the below post) It hit close to home and is so tender and heart felt.  You can listen to it here .

Time

Have you ever seen a cuter kid in your entire life?

love and time

those are the only two things in all the world and all of life 

that cannot be bought, but only spent.

Today was a really hard day.  There's no way of knowing which days are going to be hard and which days are going to be REALLY hard, and nothing seems to necessarily set off a really hard day.  They just come.  And they hurt.  And they are hard.  And I cry, a lot.

Today I've been dwelling a lot on the concept of "time".  Why oh why were we not given more time with this precious angel.  Why?  And these are the day that I honestly cannot cognitively comprehend that he is gone.  I just want a little more time.  And yet, really if I were given more time would this be any easier?  I think not.  I would only want more time.  And sometimes I wonder if really we were actually given more time and we don't even know it.  What if he could have been taken from us at 3 months, and we bargained for 2 years.  Lucky us.

After Lincoln got his feeding tube put in I prayed that time would speed up.  I remember thinking, "please let this time go by quickly, please help Lincoln to learn to eat so that we can put this behind us."  I read a post that I wrote when he was 2 months old and I said, 'well, the past two months have definitely not gone by quickly, but we sure do love this boy!'  And those are the moments I must remember.  That really, maybe time did slow down so that I could cherish every moment I had with him.

And then when we discovered that Lincoln had developmental delays I wanted time to stop.  He needed time to catch up, to reach his developmental milestones.  I needed more time to figure out how to best help him, research what therapies he needed most, and have the time to take him to all the therapies that he did need.  And many days I would fall to my knees and my only prayer to God was, "Please help me.  I'm drowning and I need time to slow down, just for a little bit.  Help me find the time in my day to do all that is being asked of me right now"  Little did I know what I was praying for.  I wasn't only praying for time to slow so that I could catch up on my house work, drive Lincoln to a million therapy appointments and schedule zillions of doctor appointments; I was praying for time to slow so that I could spend what little time I had left with my precious sweet boy.  And although it sometimes seemed that Lincoln had been a part of our lives and a part of our family forever, as it was difficult to remember what life was like without him in it, it now seems like a fleeting moment in time.  Too short.  Not enough time.  Not enough kisses, hugs and snuggles.  

Please give me one more day.  Give me one more hour.  Turn back time!

On the days that I worked and I was away from Lincoln for 8 hours straight I would come home and snuggle him and whisper in his ear, " Oh sweet boy, what would I do without you in my life?"  I honestly said that to him most every day I was away from him for a long period of time.  I missed him and ached for him so badly.  And on days like today, I now wonder the exact same thing.  What on earth will I do without my son in my life?

I came across a blog the other day of a sweet little boy named Caleb, who passed away exactly 1 month before Lincoln: winkfromheaven and though their situations were very different, his family was given 7 years more time with him then they thought.  And yet, as I read the tender words of his mother on that blog, I realized that more time wouldn't make any of this any easier.  

And so on these hard hard days I pray for strength, peace, comfort and especially to feel of his presence and watchful eye over us throughout our lives.  And there's a tiny part of me that prays for time to speed up and pass by quickly.

8 weeks

It's been 8 weeks today since I last held my little baby boy in my arms and kissed him goodbye.

Have I mentioned yet that it seems like it's been FOREVER?!! . . .

When we first discovered Lincoln had special needs I was obsessed with reading other people's blogs who had children with special needs.  I related to them, felt for what they were going through in their lives  and understood them.  Since Lincoln passed away I haven't read those blogs as much.  It's ironic to say that I'm a bit jealous of them, because they still have their child with special needs with them; to laugh with, hold and snuggle and feel their incredible light and joy radiate through their lives.  In the past two months I've found new blogs to read.  Many of these blogs are written by mothers who have had young children die, much like mine did.  And although I can hardly believe I'm writing these words, I relate better to them now.  I understand their pain, I feel their sorrow and relate to their grieving, day in and day out.  One in particular that I came across the other day had some good advice for friends who are helping a loved one grieve through a loss in their life.  Her name is Michelle and you can read her story here on her blog: daysofmichelleslife

Here is what she wrote, which is more eloquently written then I could have said in my own words:
     (*note: I didn't take every item she listed, just some of the ones that I relate to the most right now)

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE Who is GRIEVING: 

I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say/do" so they don't do anything. Not doing anything is the wrong answer. Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief.

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place" really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."

6. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

7. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded & spacey grief can make you.

8. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

9. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice." and burden everyone with their grief.

10. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.

11. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

12. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you see them again" isn't comforting. It is not a fix all. It is comforting, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now.

13. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

And I've posted this before on my blog but here it is again, with a whole new meaning to me of course (taken from bentownefoundation )

"When you have the urge to speak, listen. When you feel like your job is to point out the good news, wait. When you have the need to wrap up our experience, please don’t. For real, loving care is the willingness to sit with someone and remain with them in their pain. To hear their fears and sorrow. To say with your actions, “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m sorry. And I am here.” '