His presence

pictures taken by Photography by Blush

I love the picture above (although Lincoln is making kind of a goofy face) because it's perfectly symbolic of how much we absolutely adore our Lincoln boy, and how our lives revolved around him.  He had such an incredibly strong presence in our home, and continues to do so, which we feel very blessed for.  Although as I reflect back on the past two years I feel that we very much lived in the moment with Lincoln and enjoyed each and every little thing he did, I'm not sure even then that we truly realized what an incredible influence he has made on our lives.  And as time goes by it becomes more and more apparent what an incredible honor and blessing it was to have him in our home, to take care of him, to sit with him through hours of therapy, to feel of his sweet little spirit, and to be in his presence.  And oh how honored and blessed we continue to feel to be Lincoln's parents!

But oh how we also feel of his absence and miss him every second of every minute of our day.

It has been 10 weeks since his passing and this past week or so has been an emotional one for both myself and our sweet 5 year old.  Though we felt it at the time, we understand even more now what an incredible presence Lincoln had, and still has on our home and I think there are times where Jezelle feels lost and lonely without him here.  They were truly best friends.  It's amazing how strong Lincoln's spirit was, how he calmed our nerves and stress with ease and how protected and safe we felt with him here.  What a spiritual experience each day was for us.  And although we always thought we were taking care of Lincoln, I now see that in actuality, he was taking care of us, and will continue to do so.  And I think Jezelle feels of this very strongly as well, though it's more difficult for her to put it into words.

For the 2 weeks following his death I felt so many emotions but one of the biggest ones I felt was unsafe and scared.  I described it to Shane one night as feeling the same way I do when Shane is out of town and traveling on business.  I didn't feel safe in my own home and yearned for Lincoln to be there.  I have been in awe of what a strong presence a tiny child can have over an entire home and family.  And I know Jezelle feels this too.

Jezelle asks the same questions most every night about Lincoln, which are 'Why did he have to die', 'What's he doing in heaven' and most of all 'Is Lincoln going to be ok in heaven'.  We go over the answers again and again and assure her that he's happy and being watched over and protected in heaven.  And then she says, "I wish he didn't have to go because I NEED him here.  I really need him mom."  I assure her that I feel the same way and that I understand how she feels.  And again am reminded of what a powerful presence and influence he has had on our family, and will continue to have.

Last weekend was Mother's Day and though it was hard, I felt like many of my friends and family went above and beyond to try and make it a very special day for me.  A dear friend of mine gave me a necklace  that says, "Mother to an Angel" on it, and that meant so much to me.  When Jezelle asked what the necklace said I described it to her.  And then it occurred to me that I'd never helped her to realize that she was still Lincoln's big sister, and that she always would be no matter what.  We talked about that for awhile and then I said, "See? You have an angel for a brother.  Isn't that cool?  How lucky that we have an angel in our family.  Not many people can say that!" And though I'd rather not have Lincoln as an angel in our family, and just have him as my son here on earth WITH me, I am so grateful that I still do very much feel of his presence here with us.  I know he is watching over us, keeping us safe and protected, and helping us to feel peace and comfort.  And I especially felt him with me on Mother's Day and knew he was close by.

I came across an incredible talk that was given by Caleb's dad (his website mentioned in the below post) It hit close to home and is so tender and heart felt.  You can listen to it here .