Time

I haven't posted in 5 months.  I don't even know why.  I think about it all the time and think of all the things I want to say.  And then I just don't do it.  I guess maybe it's because sometimes I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over again.  Nothing has really changed.  Nothing needs to be reported on.  There aren't really any new milestones.  So what is left to say?

I think I've probably used 'Time' as a post title before.  It seems to go right along with the word 'GRIEF'.  Tick-tock, tick-tock.  Time moves on regardless.  Time is such a strange concept when you've lost a child.  I can hardly put it into words.  I've said this before but it hasn't changed- sometimes it seems that we just lost Lincoln yesterday.  I remember little tiny details and can still imagine what it was like to hold him and to rock him to sleep.  What it was like to bathe him and to get him dressed each morning.  And yet at the same time it seems like a lifetime has already passed.  Sometimes it even seems dream-like.  Do we really have a son?  Was he with us until he was two or did I just dream that?  I hate that feeling.  I sometimes hear myself explaining that my son passed away and then think to myself, 'did that phrase actually just come out of my mouth?  That's not my life?  I'm not living this nightmare!  Wake up!'  But I am.  It's me.  And this is my life.

I remember counting every single hour, every single day, in the beginning, after Lincoln passed away.  It had been 2 days and then 2 weeks and then 2 months.  My friend told me after awhile I'd lose track of the exact time it had been that I'd start approximating.  I didn't believe her.  There was no way I'd lose track of that time.  But I have started to.  It's been "about 1 1/2 years" although I often say we lost our son a year ago and then realize it's been much longer than that.  And sometimes it feels more like it's been 30 years.

And with each passing year there are new things to grieve.  New experiences that make my heart hurt in new ways.  I'm discovering a new one right now, as we are in the middle of fall and Halloween approaches.  Last year it was easy to imagine what our Lincoln would have been dressed up as for Halloween.  I knew exactly who he would have been and what he would have looked like.  His big sister was going to be Princess Marida from Brave, so obviously my little curly red-headed son would be one of her triplet brothers.  How cute, right?!  But this year I don't know what he would have been.  I can't picture as easily how tall he would be or what he would be interested in.  And then there's Christmas approaching and the same heart ache comes.  Last year I knew about where his skill level was at.  I could imagine the progress he would have made and the toys we would have bought him for Christmas.  This year isn't so easy to imagine.  What skills would he have learned within the past 1 1/2. Would he be walking?  Would he be talking by now?  What if he wasn't?  Then what would he like?  What would he be into?  And for some reason that's hard for me.  Maybe because it's a reminder of how long it's been.

Although it makes me sick to know that in about 6 months we will have lived without Lincoln here with us as long as we lived with him, there are moments where I breathe a sigh of relief and give myself a pat on the back for making it this long.  Yay for us.  Keep going . . .

And I must say that I of course continue to find joy in my life.  I try hard to and often am able to.   A dear friend of mine who has also experienced the loss of a child shared with me a quote that I like.  And I understand:

"Certainly joy has taken on a

different meaning more than ever before.

I used to equate joy with happiness.

Clearly, I may never be happy again.

Joy is now a deep abiding place,

an assurance that God is sovereign.

I don't have to like what happens.

I merely have to trust that 

God knows what He is doing."

So much time has passed that I thought we had found every single picture we had ever taking of Lincoln.  But the other day a friend of mine found another one of him.  What a tender mercy.  It was when he was 1 1/2 years old at our church Halloween party.  He was an octopus.  And when I look at that picture, in a moment I can remember snuggling with him that night, as if it were just yesterday.

Memorial Day

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.  Today we took pictures with our entire extended family, which I was dreading, since one special member of the family would be missing from all of the pictures.  We also took the pictures at the same spot our family did just 4 months before Lincoln passed away.  It was hard going back to that place, and hard taking pictures of our family when it just didn't seem right with Lincoln missing from all the pictures.  I hate it.

And, as if that wasn't hard enough, for some reason we decided to visit Lincoln's grave right after, since we were close by.  We went on this same day last year, but last year was the first time we visited since the day of his funeral.  And although an entire year has gone by, one year later my feelings were the same.  This sucks and I hurt so badly to hold my sweet Lincoln again.

 It's quite a sight as you enter the cemetery on Memorial Day weekend, with a million flags up everywhere.  It's beautiful.  

A few weeks ago a friend said that her 6 year old daughter really wanted to attend a funeral of a close friend who had passed away, and although she didn't really want to take her daughter, she realized how important it is to teach our children about death.  Yup- we've got that lesson covered!  As Shane and I sat by Lincoln's grave, talking about life, we watched as Jezelle went wondering through the cemetery, reading the messages and names on each headstone.  I told Shane how strange it is that she will grow up with a familiarity of this cemetery.  It will just be part of her life and our family routine.   She was content walking around when suddenly she looked at me and started to sob.  Although we had come here not too long ago, Jezelle was very emotional this time, which then results in Shane and I feeling very emotional.  She sobbed as I carried her all the way to the car.  

There has always been talk of how a mother learns to distinguish between her baby's different cries; depending on if they are tired, hungry, etc.  I feel that way about Jezelle.  She has a heart-wrentching cry that is so different from any of her other cries, when she is truly mourning the loss of her little brother.  You can hear the hurt in her voice.  It's absolutely heart-breaking.

A friend of mine asked just last week if I ever have moments of feeling "ok" about Lincoln's death.  No.  Never ever.  I have received confirmation and felt at peace that it was his time to go, and that everything in life happens for a reason, and I know that I will see him again someday, but that still doesn't make it ok.  It will never be ok, and unfortunately until you've lost a child, you just cannot understand that feeling.  There is nothing like it.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, which is such a bitter sweet holiday for me now.  I feel so blessed that I'm the mom to two of the most amazing children ever.  I'm lucky to be able to spend the day with my sweet little girl and fantastic husband and family.  I also have an incredible mom, whom I love to pieces and feel blessed to share this day with.  And yet, at the same time it's so hard to not be able to spend this day with my sweet son.  It's more than hard, it's actually kind of a nightmare.  I heard a few people today say they were missing their moms who were thousands of miles away.  Oh yeah?  Well my son can't be reached by phone or by airplane so stop complaining!  I wish I could just FLY to heaven to visit my Lincoln, if for just only a few minutes.

Last Mother's Day a dear friend gave me a beautiful necklace that says "Mother of an angel" on it.  I wear it often.  I looked back and I guess I never wrote about it last year on this blog.  I didn't write anything on Mother's Day.  I clearly wasn't in the mood.  And I'm not really now but I wanted to share the beautiful poem that my friend gave me, along with that necklace that means so much to me.

Mother of an Angel

There must be a special mansion in the heavens up above,

waiting to be filled with the tears, and laughter and love.

Of the mother and her child who are finally together,

after their separation that seemed would last forever.

A little room must wait, with the perfect rocking chair

where she and he will once again resume their cuddling there.

She'll recall all of his favorite books and the songs he loved her to sing,

It will be as if time never passed, for her heart will remember those things.

And when he begs for just one more, she won't ever hesitate.

Because mother and child will be together again, and everything else can wait.

There must be beautiful gardens, with forts and wagons and swings, 

Where mother and son will spend hours and hours, doing al of the little boy things.

Like riding bikes, flying kites, and looking for worms and bugs;

like racing to the finish line and giving great big bear hugs.

There must be a cosy kitchen waiting for the day

When mother and son are together again and both have so much to say.

There will be the smell of cookies baking for a little boy to devour

As he sits at the counter and talks to his mom, with never a care for the hour.

Somehow Heaven must be a place where wrong is all made right;

filled with things more beautiful than any earthly sight.

But there must be something special that is felt by everyone

About the corner of heaven that is shared by a Mother and her Angel son.

-Marilee Davis

I love you Linc Linc.

Easter

Easter has a whole new significance to us since Lincoln passed away.  It's strange that this isn't the first, but the second Easter we've celebrated without him here with us.  We have now celebrated as many Easter Sundays without him here, as we did with him.  I've always loved Easter, so it's an emotional holiday for us.  But I'm grateful to know that I WILL see my Savior again, and I'll see my sweet Lincoln boy again too.  Below is a great video that reminds me of the true meaning of Easter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAuaSpJ7zGs

I also love this quote:

There would be no Christmas if there had not been Easter. The babe Jesus of Bethlehem would be but another baby without the redeeming Christ of Gethsemane and Calvary, and the triumphant fact of the Resurrection.

I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of the Eternal, Living God. None so great has ever walked the earth. None other has made a comparable sacrifice or granted a comparable blessing. He is the Savior and the Redeemer of the world. I believe in Him. I declare His divinity without equivocation or compromise. I love Him. I speak His name in reverence and wonder. I worship Him as I worship His Father, in spirit and in truth. I thank Him and kneel before His Beloved Son who reached out long ago and said to each of us, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28). -President Hickley

And since I'm human, I also have to admit that I REALLY miss dressing up my sweet little boy in an adorable Easter outfit, that is matching with my little girl's.  I can hardly even look at little boy clothes in the store anymore.  They make my heart ache.  

In the picture below, Lincoln was just a few weeks old, Easter 2010.  He's with his sister and cousin Eli.  

Easter 2011.  Cutest kid EVER!

Happy Easter.

Pinwheel Day

My amazing friend Tricia thought of this great idea, to make Lincoln's birthday (March 19th) into Pinwheel Day!!  It turned out to be an incredibly amazing day and we felt so loved and supported.

Here are a few highlights from that awesome day!

*2 articles in our community newspaper were published about our Lincoln boy:

http://www.kirklandreporter.com/community/199246261.html

http://www.kirklandreporter.com/opinion/letters/197891001.html

*People were honoring Lincoln ALL over the world- including friends in Saudi Arabia, Hawaii and Ukraine.  This little pinwheel went all over Hawaii!

*Someone put a sign on the pedestrian walkway, above I-405, and we don't know who it was!

*People put pinwheels up and down our street, decorated our mailbox, put them all over the entrance of my daughter's school, at Trader Joe's (my favorite place to grocery shop!) and at my work.  They were everywhere!!  Including our favorite neighborhood park!

 We had a pinwheel party to pass out pinwheels to everyone!

* I also got word of so many people doing sweet and random acts of kindness for others.  A friend of a friend was passing out pinwheels in Michigan to random strangers, with starbucks coffee cards attached.  People made dinner for people who were sick or had just had a baby.  I wish I could post pictures of all the amazing places these pinwheels spun on Lincoln's birthday.  It was a very special day and I'm filled with overwhelming gratitude and love for all those who are so thoughtful and took part in such a fun and special day.  Thank you!


Here is the link to the Facebook Page:

https://www.facebook.com/PinwheelDayInHonorOfLincolnHartley

You can just type in Pinwheel Day in the search on Facebook too and it will pop up!

Here is the little description that Tricia wrote about Pinwheel Day:

Pinwheel Day is about making someone’s heart spin, eyes twinkle, and day burst with joy. Lincoln loved to spin things so let’s spin hearts on Pinwheel Day! Then mark Pinwheel Day by placing a pinwheel in your yard, garden, car, hair or lapel and watch your pinwheel spin and think of Lincoln. Then start spinning hearts again! 

Share your picture of where you put a pinwheel and what you did to spinhearts on Pinwheel Day. Then invite all your friends, family, neighbors and strangers to join Pinwheel Day to spin more hearts. Let’s show the Hartleys how many hearts we can spin in honor Lincoln!

Ways to spin hearts can be as easy as longer hugs, extra kisses, more time playing with little ones, kind words, a phone call to say “I love you!”, being bright and cheery, smiling from ear to ear all day, making others smile from ear to ear, doing kind deeds, being gentle, helping others. Be creative! Make Pinwheel Day full of hearts spinning then bursting with love, happiness and joy.

Happy Birthday Lincoln

Today is our sweet Lincoln's birthday.  He would have turned 3 years old today.  It was definitely a day that hurt a lot.  A constant reminder that he wasn't here to celebrate one of the best days of my life, the day that he was born!!  But at the same time, I have the most amazing friends and family, who continued to make me smile throughout the day, by celebrating Pinwheel Day!  The amazing acts of kindness that was shared with others was the best way I can think to honor such an incredible little boy.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Lincoln's life and how unfair it is that it was WAY too short.  I think about how if he were alive right now, I'd be transitioning him into the preschool special education program in our school district and becoming the best advocate I could be for him.  I think about what I would have bought him for his birthday and what he would be like at the age of 3.  Those things make me so so sad.

But then I had a thought the other day; if on the day Lincoln was born I was told that I could have him for TWO whole years . . . or I could not have him at all . . . what would I choose?  I of course would take two years over no life at all.  I am such a better person because of Lincoln.  I am a better mother to my child who is still alive, I am a better therapist, a better wife and a better friend.  Lincoln gave me that gift that no one else could have ever given me in this life.  And although I hurt so so bad and miss him more then words can describe, I'd do it all over again, for just those two short years.  As impossibly hard and painful this journey has been, I would do it all over again for the chance to be Lincoln's mother, to love and raise my sweet boy, and to be loved in return.

"Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

This year we decided on an ice cream cake for Lincoln, because he loved ice cream!!

The funeral

A year ago today, as everyone else was making St. Patrick's Day plans, we were kissing our son's forehead for the last time and closing his casket, as we held his funeral at our church.  That day kind of makes me want to throw up, as I look back on it, but it was a very tender and sacred day as well.  Sooo special in so many ways, as I know Lincoln was there with us and carrying us through.  The spirit was strong.  Since that day I have learned of the incredible miracles and tender mercies that the Lord orchestrated, in order for my sweet friends to pull together such a special day in one weeks time.  When I have felt so alone and abandon at times since then, I look back on that day and remember that I am loved by so many, especially my Father in Heaven.  These pictures were taken at the funeral, the cemetery and the luncheon that was held after the burial.  I was very adamant that I didn't want my 2-year-old's funeral to feel "old".  He was (almost) 2 not 92 and I wanted it to feel that way.  It was absolutely perfect.

*pictures taken by a sweet friend, Melissa Hancock, http://www.melissahancockphotography.com

I use to work one really long day a week.  On my long days I missed my children so much!  I remembered the other day that I'd come home and kiss them and hug them and I'd always tell Lincoln that "I missed you all day long!!!" And then I'd say, "What would I do without you in my life?"  That saying now has a whole other meaning.  I miss him more then words can describe and I continue to miss him "all day long".  I love you Lincoln.  Until we meet again . . . . I miss you all day long.

One Year

Today marks one year from the day Lincoln passed away.  The day where our lives not only changed forever, but when we changed too.  We see the world through a different set of eyes and try so hard to appreciate each and every day we have.

He left us way too soon.  I wasn't ready to say goodbye.  I had so many things I wanted to do with him. 

A few days ago I had an experience, where I was able to sit across from some incredible parents, who have a 10 year old with special needs and have advocated for him in ways I can hardly imagine.  They have fought long and hard for what they believe in.  I was able to share a little bit about Lincoln and I told them I would have done the same thing for my son, as they have done for theirs.  The mom got tears in her eyes and she said, "These children are unexpected gifts".  

Lincoln was exactly that- an unexpected gift from God.  He let us 'borrow' him for just a little while, but the impression he made will last a lifetime.  He helped me become a better mother, and a better therapist.  I now can work with these families and say to them, "I get it.  I know just how you feel".  Lincoln also gave us the gift to see how precious life is.  He taught us so many things that we wouldn't have been able to learn anywhere else.

Some of you may be following 'Mitchell's Journey' Facebook page.  Mitchell was 10 years old and passed away just a few days ago.  His father is a fantastic writer, and has shared so many wonderful thoughts that I relate so well to.  I wanted to share of few on here:

I admit the burden of losing my precious son has my knees trembling and hands shaking and my soul in tremendous pain. There exists no word in the human language to describe this pain. It is simply, utterly, bewilderingly heavy. But, like all suffering, the sting of that pain can make way to a deeper compassion toward others, a greater capacity to love, a stronger desire to reach toward God and understand His purposes.

The truth is we are [all of us] no different than these two little boys. We are all made of clay. And with each choice we make, each reaction to events in our life, we carve out something beautiful or something hideous – something that loves or hates. We need only look at our own life experience to know this is true … we have all seen some let the clay in their hearts harden and become brittle or unmovable. Others allow the tears of suffering to keep their clay soft and pliable. 

Today my clay is soggy. But the tears will eventually dry and I will do all that I can to remain pliable.

........ Somewhere on the other side of this hell is the Heavenly promise of peace and reunion – but that’s a lifetime away and [learning to cope with] death and separation from our young boy who [wanted] so much to live, cuts us deeply. It’s easy to talk of God and life after death in Sunday school, but to come face to face with it is breathtaking. 

But alas, we are grateful to know there is life after life ... and we have seen tender mercies in our family, even in the midst of our pain. While there are many today who have abandoned belief in God, we stand resolute … with an absolute knowledge of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. We have seen Him work in our lives; warning us, preparing us, and lifting us when we hardly have the strength to stand. We remain grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its healing, transcendent power. As C.S. Lewis once said of suffering, “Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even [agony] into [glory].” This we know.

As we process all that is happening and the tender pains of losing our precious child, we have felt a quiet whisper that Mitchell was never really ours in the first place, but he is on loan to us from the Father of us all. He, like each of us, will return to Heavenly Father with a perfectly executed life experience filled with hardship and happiness; all designed to refine our souls for greater purposes.

Our hearts are heavy with sorrow, but filled with gratitude and peace. Mitchell's Journey is not over: it has only just begun ... in this life and the life after.

https://www.facebook.com/mitchellsjourney?fref=ts

  It's painful to think it's been an entire year since I held him and kissed him and heard his sweet laughter.  There are no words to describe our pain.  And so all we can do is continue to 'spin' our pinwheels through life, looking for ways to serve others, as Lincoln so willingly and selflessly served and taught us.  I can't think of a better way to honor his life then to give back the incredible unexpected gifts that he gave us.  We love you Lincoln, to the moon and back!