How are you?

My sweet sister had someone make this silhouette of Lincoln.  I love it.  

I also love that when she asked my 5 year old who it was the response was immediate.

"It's Lincoln".

"How are you doing?"

. . . I get asked this at least 50 times a day.  We all do, it's a habit; a social greeting that comes along with 'hello'.  I'm just now much more aware of the question, because my answer has so much emotional baggage that goes along with it.

Sometimes it's a very genuine question, asked by a friend or family member who really wants to know how I am feeling/doing today. 

Other times it's by an acquaintance or co-worker who greets me and says, "Hey!  How's it going" and hardly realizes they've even asked.  And yet sometimes they do realize because they stop quickly and say, "Oh sorry- I guess I shouldn't have asked that".  But I think what they really mean is: "Sorry I just said that phrase out of habit and I know you're not "doing" ok so I just shouldn't have even asked that; and quite frankly I won't know what to say when you answer honestly so let's just move along because now I feel dumb".

And lastly, I get asked that same question by very innocent grocery store clerks or random people on the phone who have no idea what happened in my life 7 weeks ago, for me to not be doing OK!  (and sometimes quite honestly I really want to respond by saying, "I'm terrible.  And you?" just to see what they say.)

And yet, no matter who is asking this question I cringe when I'm asked, just a little bit, because I go through the same dilemma each time.  If I don't answer honestly, people will think I really am doing ok and this answer, in my mind, would mean that I'm ok with what happened 7 weeks ago.  And I'm obviously not.  And I don't want to lie, because I'd just rather be honest.  And yet if I'm honest and really say what's going through my mind that day or how I'm feeling then the person asking a simple question is stuck scrambling, trying to come up with something more to comfort me or something to say in response.  And really nothing anyone says will make any of this ok.

So . . . to those store clerks who ask, I just don't answer at all.  They say, "Hi, how's it going today" and I say, "hi".

And to those who are acquaintances, I say I'm fine.

And for those who are my friends and family, and genuinely want to know, I will tell you that I'm here.  I'm present.  I'm breathing.  I'm living.  And I'm getting up each day.  My actions are often on autopilot and I sometimes get from point A to point B and don't remember anything in between, but I'm here.  And for now I just try to live hour by hour, not thinking too far ahead, because that is just way too overwhelming.  (Another favorite blog of mine said this very same thing recently.  nieniedialogues)